A Gay Old Time
by Heidikins05
Summary: When Kaiba tells Pegasus that no one would care if he died, everyone’s favourite fruity CEO goes on a mission to prove him wrong. Dammit, why is committing suicide so hard? xxExtremely slow to update.xx


**A Gay Old Time**

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Welcome to my latest fic! Originally this was going to be a one-shot, but uh, it got a bit long... ' So, it's my latest chaptered story, about Pegsy!

**This story is dedicated to Robyn (**HerSweetness**) who kept me feeling good about this story for the last, like, year that I've been working on it.**

**And also to my sister (**The Long Name Ending In Cookie**) who kept kicking my arse into gear to write, write, write!**

* * *

It was a beautiful day in Domino City. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the traffic was jamming… Everywhere, people were meeting their friends and family for a day of shopping, swimming, playing sport, whatever they wanted. It was a sociable Saturday, even for Maximillion Pegasus, who had no friends.

"It really is a wonderful day, Croquet," Pegasus said. "Ah, that rhymes."

"That it does, sir," Croquet replied, pouring his master a glass of wine.

"Mm, yes, as I was saying – I really must have someone over."

"A novel idea, sir."

"Perhaps Seto Kaiba. That boy always tickled my fancy."

"He's quite a tickler, sir."

"Indeed. Yes, my mind is made up. Croquet, fetch Mokuba Kaiba at once!"

"Mokuba Kaiba? Sir I thought you wanted – "

"Yes yes, I want Seto, but he's hardly going to come here if I invite him. I have to give him an _incentive_. So you're going to kidnap Mokuba."

"Well it's a good idea sir, but after last weeks kidnapping, Mokuba tends not to trust me," Croquet explained.

"Ah, but that's the beauty of my plan! You won't _be _Croquet, thanks to the latest in kidnapping technology." He threw Croquet a red suit. "It's a disguise, put it on."

"It's a Santa suit, sir."

"Yes! Every child trusts Santa Claus!"

"… In the middle of July, sir?"

"I'm sure Mokuba can't tell the time yet, he's what, four years old?"

"Ten, sir."

"Really? How time flies. Now put that suit on Croquet and kidnap that boy!"

Croquet sighed, but pulled on the red suit and white beard and headed for Kaiba's mansion.

* * *

**Kaiba Mansion, 1500 Hours**

Mokuba was deeply immersed in a video game until the doorbell rang. He set down the controller and went to the front door. "Who is it?"

"Santa Claus."

Mokuba couldn't open the door fast enough. Two seconds later he was attached to Croquet's leg, squealing with excitement. "Wow, Christmas came early this year! Boy, you sure are skinny, Santa."

"Er… I tend to gain weight around December… ho ho ho…"

"Oh okay. So what presents have I got?"

"Take a look-see," Croquet offered, holding out the empty Santa sack.

"It looks kinda empty. Did I get a million dollar cheque _again_?" Mokuba asked, leaning into the sack. In a split second Croquet had grabbed his ankles and dumped the young Kaiba head-first into the sack.

"Nope, you got a one-way trip to Pegasus' mansion. Merry Christmas-in-July, kid."

"Aw crap."

* * *

When Seto Kaiba arrived home that day, he found the house to be surprisingly quiet. On the TV was a ransom note. "Oh, not again," he sighed, throwing it away without reading it. He knew what it would say. "I'd better cancel my four o'clock and go see Pegasus."

Once he'd cancelled, Kaiba got in his car and headed for Pegasus' mansion. The old man was really working his last nerve.

* * *

Pegasus was waiting in his dungeon when Croquet walked in with a wriggling sack which he handed to his master.

"Ah, well done Croquet!" Pegasus smiled, emptying that sack's contents onto the ground with a "thump!"

"Ow!" Mokuba said, rubbing his butt.

"Mokuba, good to see you again! You're looking well," Pegasus beamed. "Now. I'm going to chain you up and uh… you just act miserable."

"Same old same old, huh Pegsy?"

"Sir," Croquet interrupted. "Kaiba just pulled up."

"Oh, grand!" Pegasus cried and hurried away. He met up with Kaiba outside on the front steps. "Kaiba-boy, so good to see you again! How's the business darling?"

"Hn. Where's Mokuba?"

"Who? Oh him. He's chained up somewhere, but don't worry, he's growing calluses on his wrists so he barely feels the metal cuffs at all now. How about a spot of tea, dear boy?"

"Tea with _you_?" Kaiba snorted. "No thanks, I'd rather die. Actually no, I'd rather _you _die, no one would miss you."

"Oh!" Pegasus cried, as Kaiba started up the stairs to the front door, to save Mokuba. "So… so you're saying if I died _right now _you wouldn't miss me?"

"Yes."

"OH! Well that's just… Fine, I'm going to lay down and die right now!"

"Fabulous."

"Croquet, fetch me a lily!"

"A lily sir? Why?"

"I'm going to die you fool, I need to hold a lily!" Pegasus snapped, laying down on the grass. Croquet got him a lily, which was held over his chest.

When Pegasus hadn't budged five minutes later, Croquet went inside to do some chores.

Two hours later Kaiba had freed Mokuba and the two of them passed the dying Pegasus on the way out. "How's death treating you, Pegasus?" Kaiba asked.

"I'm not dead yet."

"I could have told you that."

Four hours later, Croquet came and wrapped Pegasus in a blanket. "What are you doing, Croquet?"

"Giving you a blanket sir. Out here you could catch your death of a cold."

"That's the bloody point!" Pegasus yelled, jumping up and throwing the blanket at Croquet. "I need to die to prove a point to Kaiba-boy!"

"If I may, sir. A man of your stature should die a grand death to be remembered for centuries to come. He shouldn't just lie down and cark it on the front lawn."

Pegasus digested this for a moment, then nodded. "You're right Croquet, this lawn isn't good enough to house my rotting corpse. Come inside and help me plan a better death… Oh, and have the lawn demolished and a better one built in its place."

"_Again_, sir?"

* * *

Inside, the pair sat down at Pegasus' large dining table. Croquet poured copious amounts of wine into Pegasus' custom made wine glass (twice the size of a normal glass) and waited for him to say something.

"This is it, Croquet – tonight we plan my demise."

"Are you sure this is wise, sir? Perhaps you should sleep on it," Croquet said carefully.

"I can't, I've drunk so much wine in my lifetime I think I've given myself sleep amnesia." He gave a long-suffering sigh.

"Sleep _apnoea_? Sir, I highly doubt that can stop you sleeping at night – "

Pegasus waved him away. "Oh shush. Now, you said I needed a grand death… maybe like that young fellow, what was his name? Choked on his own bodily fluid…"

"Bond Scott?" Croquet guessed. "Sir," he added hurriedly.

"He'll do. Yes, that's the way to go Croquet – I'll be "in" with the young people of today," Pegasus announced, flicking his hair.

"If I may sir, you _are _a young person of today – in fact I believe Bond Scott was a few years your senior. _You're_ only twenty-four."

"… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, ONLY TWENTY-FOUR! AH HAHAHAHA!"

Clearly Croquet was a few decades out.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at the Kaiba mansion, Mokuba was sat on his bed whilst his brother paced in front of him, his white jacket billowing out behind him and knocking pieces of the puzzle Mokuba was solving onto the floor.

"Seto, stop pacing!" he complained. "How am I supposed to finish my XXX Rated Adult Puzzle of the Male Reproductive System Designed for the Genitally Challenged if you knock my puzzle pieces to the ground?"

"Sorry Mokie," Kaiba sighed, sitting down. "I'm just so mad at Pegasus! I'm sick of him trying to kidnap you and I'm going to do something about it!"

"Mm hm." Kaiba always said that. Usually what he "did about it" was get blind drunk, fall asleep and wake up the next day with no recollection of Mokuba's kidnapping.

"No, I really am!" Kaiba insisted, snatching up the phone. He dialed a number and waited. "Damn, I got an answering machine. Ah well. Marik, it's Kaiba. I need someone _taken care of_… call me back…"

* * *

Pegasus was walking down the cold, dark streets of Domino, looking for a pub. Croquet had offered to drive him, but Pegasus argued that if he walked someone might murder him and he'd be even more famous.

That hadn't gone down well, but Pegasus was determined to die. Unfortunately there was a Marilyn Manson concert on that night so all the murderers were "indisposed" as such. Finally, a club caught Pegasus' eye.

"This looks like a fabulous place to spend my last hours!" Pegasus declared, eyeing the bright neon letters shining the name of the club out onto the street.

The Licorice Probe.

Unfortunately Pegasus was stopped at the doors by the burly (and not at all attractive) security guard. Not one to frequent clubs, Pegasus had zero to no idea what was going on.

"Pardon… me," Pegasus said carefully, making hand gestures to match his words in case the man was foreign. "But uh… I want to go into the probe."

"Members only, Pops. I'm gonna have to see a membership card or a helluva lotta cash," the bouncer grunted.

Pegasus held out a crumpled old Christmas card and a few thousand dollars. "Here's a card and some money, dear boy."

The bouncer frowned. "Alright smart guy, I'll let you see the boss and buy a membership card. Come on."

Rather than take Pegasus into the club, the bouncer took him into the alley and to a dank door with – strangely enough – a pink kitty painted on it. Pegasus shook his head. "You don't understand. I want to go into the club, I don't want to buy a cat."

The bouncer rolled his eyes. "This is the bosses office. You need to buy a membership card off her to enter The Licorice Probe." He knocked on the door.

"Meow! Come in!" a voice called. The bouncer, whom Pegasus decided had to be named Tiffany, pushed open the door and guided them both inside. They were in a small room, painted cream and soft pink. On the walls were pictures of licorice, naked men, and sketches of a large, Earth-destroying nuclear weapon named Project C½. In the middle of the room was a desk, and behind it sat a girl with long, braided black hair, lovely caramel skin and big sweet eyes behind her glasses.

"Robyn, here's some rich poof who wants in the club," Tiffany announced.

"Thanks Ditch, I'll take it from here. Go guard the door, I don't want those gender-confused Mesopotamians sneaking in there again," Robyn said, shooing him out. "Take a seat," she offered to Pegasus, who sat. "You want a taste of my Probe, huh? It'll cost you."

"How much?"

"How much will you pay?" When Pegasus showed Robyn a thousand dollars, she paused with raised eyebrows. There was a sucker born every minute. "More," she announced. Pegasus shelled out an extra two thousand dollars. "That'll do. Give it here and hold out your hand so I can tattoo a membership logo onto it."

Pegasus winced. "Can't I just have a membership card?"

"I suppose, but it's easier to lose," she warned, handing it over. "And it's less fun. Well, enjoy the Probe!"

Pegasus left quickly in case she changed her mind about the tattoo, and this time, Tiffany-Ditch let him into the club. It was dark inside, techni-coloured lights struggling the shine through the cigarette smoke. It was warm and rather humid, and smelt like men. Yes, when lots of men get together they have a distinct scent, kind of like boysenberry. (Get it, BOYSenberry! Haha.)

Pegasus slowly made his way through the grinding mass of leather-clad male bodies, enjoying it very much. A new song began blaring out of the speakers – "Therapy In The Gay Bar" by Jirob. As the words "I've got something to put in you, at the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar!" blared out, Pegasus spotted a man across the dance floor. Truth be told, he caught Pegasus' eye because he thought it was a girl – Robyn, come to tattoo him after all.

But on closer inspection, this was a man, with dark hair. He had thick streaks of purple makeup trailing down under each eye, red lipstick on, and was wearing what appeared to be a woman's dress, hitched up on one side. He gave Pegasus a sexy pout before swanning off into the crowd. Smitten, Pegasus tried to follow him, in vain. He had lost the she-man forever.

But on the upside, he had found the bar. Now, to put his plan into action.

* * *

In a room that dark, not even Kaiba's starched white jacket showed, which made him think that perhaps he had forgotten to wear it today, but no, it was there, shrouded in darkness. The room smelt musty and old, and sandy, like the inside of a pyramid.

Across the room from Kaiba, two pale purple orbs glowed gently, evilly, seemingly floating in mid air. And a voice spoke to Kaiba, coming from every direction at once. "So you want Pegasus to… _have a little accident_, do you?"

"No, I want him to die," Kaiba replied.

"That's what I meant, idiot!" the voice snapped. "Ahem… in order to em – "

Click.

A light snapped on, banishing the darkness. Kaiba found himself in Marik's light green bedroom (Marik's secret favourite colour).

Across the room from him, Marik sat on his bed, spraying "Scent Of Egypt Sand Musk" deodorant into the air to create the pyramid scent, and speaking into a karaoke microphone which was hooked up to several speakers all around the room.

His hikari Malik stood in the doorway, wearing an apron and holding a jar of salsa in his hand. "Marik, do you and your guest want some _nachos_?" he beamed.

Marik groaned. "Hikari, you ruined the mood!"

"Hm?" Malik blinked. "Marik, don't waste my deodorant! And I gave you that karaoke machine to smash when you got into one of your _moods_, not to use to make your voice all echoey and creepy. Now come downstairs and eat nachos. You too Seto."

And so it came to pass that Marik and Kaiba planned Pegasus' assassination over nachos, whilst Malik punced around in the background.

"So do you want him hacked into unrecognizable pieces, killed cleanly, or do you want me to cut out his organs so you can sell them? Livers are two bucks a pop on the Black Market, but they really want kidneys," Marik explained.

"Don't be disrespectful Marik, I have plenty of money! _You _can have the organs!"

"Deal," Marik said, slobbering over a celebratory nacho. "Do you want any more nachos?"

"…No. No I don't."

* * *

TBC...


End file.
